Thanksgiving is almost upon us. It might seem like the perfect time to talk to Mom and Dad, or even your grandparents, about their estate plan. In Today’s blog post, I will go over some ways to do this, WITHOUT ruining thanksgiving!!

HOW DO I TALK TO MY PARENTS ABOUT ESTATE PLANNING WITHOUT UPSETTING THEM?

The best way to talk to your parents about estate planning is to start early and with love, in a calm moment, such as while doing the dishes or taking that after Thanksgiving Stroll. Don’t start the conversation asking about their money or will, start with their wishes.

WHY SHOULDN’T I START WITH THE WILL?

Because a will feels like money and loss, so parents often hear it as pressure. Starting with wishes tells them their choices come first, and that you are there to listen and not claiming anything, or working in your best interest instead of theirs.

It also helps to know what each document actually does:

• A will takes effect after death. It does not help a parent who
  is alive but cannot make decisions, and a will still goes through
  probate with the Clerk of Superior Court. If a person dies without a
  will in North Carolina, state law and not the family decides who
  receives their property.
• A financial power of attorney (often a durable power of attorney) is
  a document a person signs while they still have capacity, naming
  someone they trust to handle money and property if they cannot.
• A health care power of attorney names the person who can make
  medical decisions if someone cannot make or communicate them.

A will and trust attorney can help a family decide whether a will, a trust, or both fit their situation, but no document works if it is signed too late.

That is the point of this “Talking Turkey” series. It’s easy to put off difficult conversations.

The What and the When to have the Talk

In North Carolina, a power of attorney can only be signed while a person still has mental capacity. Wait too long, and the simple option can disappear, leaving your family to the mercy of the Clerk of Superior Court asking for guardianship instead. Talking early also opens doors that close with time, including Medicaid pre-planning years before care is ever needed.

There is a sense of urgency, but it’s more important that you follow these guidelines:

1. Pick a calm, private moment — not the Thanksgiving table.
2. Open with love, not paperwork.
3. Ask one question, then listen. It does not have to be finished in one day.

WHAT HAPPENS IF WE WAIT TOO LONG?

Two doors can close.

The first door is capacity. A power of attorney must be signed while a person still has mental capacity. If a parent develops dementia or suffers a stroke with no power of attorney in place, the family usually cannot fix it with a signature anymore. The remaining path is adult guardianship: a court process through the Clerk of Superior Court where the Hearing Officer decides who will make decisions. (Guardianship is sometimes necessary, and I handle those cases with
care, but it is slower, public, and harder on everyone than a document
signed on a calm afternoon).

The second door is time. Some planning only works when it is done early. Medicaid pre-planning is the clearest example: Medicaid looks back five years at financial transfers when someone applies for help paying for long-term care, so families who plan years ahead, while everyone is healthy, have options that families in a crisis simply do not. An early conversation about wishes is often the first step toward that kind of early planning, including “Caregiver Agreements” and “Promissory Notes” and other ways to plan for staying at home.

Neither door closes with a bang. They close quietly, while a family keeps meaning to have the talk. That is why I have created this series, in November, before the Holidays rev up.

How Long Have You Been Putting Off Having the Estate and Legacy Planning Talk With Your Parents?

WHO DOES GASTER LAW HELP WITH THIS?

Gaster Law helps families across five North Carolina counties: Guilford, Randolph, Alamance, Forsyth, and Rockingham. The primary practice areas are Estate Planning, Elder Law, Aging in Place Analysis, Medicaid Planning and pre-planning, Special Needs Planning, and Adult Guardianships.

I have created Gaster Law from the wisdom I gained as a Guilford County Special Needs School Bus Driver for 20 years: I give respect, I advocate hard, and I answer and explain things in plain language, keeping your family updated at every step. And I come with the empathy and understanding that this is hard, and I can visit your parents in the comfort of their own home if that makes it easier.

Planning is hard enough without wondering what your lawyer is doing. You will always know where things stand at Gaster Law.

What if my parents do not want to talk about it?

That is common, and it does not mean you failed. Keep it short and loving, and leave the door open. Try one sentence about honoring their wishes, then come back another day rather than pushing at Thanksgiving. Just speaking to your parents about honoring and respecting their wishes could be enough to get them motivated to start planning.

Next week I will continue the “Talking Turkey” with Part II. There, I will cover “the words that open the door and the words that close the door.”

Gaster Law, PLLC is an estate planning, elder law, special needs
planning, and adult guardianship law firm in Greensboro, North
Carolina, founded by attorney Gia Gaster. If you are searching for an
estate planning attorney near you in the Triad, you can reach out to Gia via the appointment page. Mention this article, and you will get a complimentary 30 minute phone consult.

This post is for educational purposes only and not legal advice for your specific situation.